


The LaCroix Conspiracy

by Iravaid



Category: Vampire: The Masquerade, Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines (Video Game)
Genre: Conspiracy Theories, Crack, Gen, i wrote this in like an hour in a haze do NOT hold it to any literature standard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29888880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iravaid/pseuds/Iravaid
Summary: It's a slow night in the Last Round, Nines is bored. He remembers the petulant little asshole up in his Ivory Tower and decides to make things difficult for him - by way of strange conspiracy theories, of course."Did you hear? LaCroix singlehandedly caused the Great Depression. Told me himself."
Comments: 26
Kudos: 21





	The LaCroix Conspiracy

**Author's Note:**

> This little idea came to be from shitposting on the cainites of la discord server  
> please enjoy this. do not take it seriously

Despite the insanity of every-night Los Angeles, there were still slow evenings where no bomb scares, blood hunts, plagues, gang violence, or tentacle monsters occupied Nines' time and attention. 

Of course, Nines was only _ever_ used to bomb scares, blood hunts, plagues, gang violence, or tentacle monsters taking up his time and attention. It didn’t give him much space for personal investment.

But this was just a lull, LA had plenty of those between the action. Nines just had to wait it out. 

So instead of picking up some kind of hobby, or indulging in a weird internet thing that only Mitnick would know about, Nines sat at the bar of the Last Round. Waiting until something cropped up. Which sometimes only takes a couple of hours: then something like a reporter finding a cannibal in the basement of an abandoned hospital, who turns out to be from some clan of Kindred he’d never heard of before, happens and Nines is occupied once more.

But right now, it had been three consecutive days without anything happening. Nines was starting to get concerned. The fuck was he supposed to do? Fill out a crossword puzzle? He doubts he knows enough words for that shit - he's not a _dictionary_.

Then again, that might be preferable to having the wide-eyed fledgling sitting beside him talking his ear off. Nines didn't mind talking with the new blood, but some of them got too excited to talk with the Anarch leader that they either said too much, or nothing at all.

This one was the former, and was as riled up about the Camarilla as any new blooded Anarch ought to be.

"... And that fucker LaCroix, y'know? He just... Just sits there in the tower and does nothing while we fight the Sabbat and Kuei-jin. It fucking sucks!"

“Yeah, he’s a little prick,” Nines grunts, absentmindedly. Had been for the past half hour.

They had time to work on their eloquence, it was baby steps for the fledgling. Especially since they were Brujah. The younger ones always tended to resort to yelling to get their point across, Beasts more eager to commit arson than discuss the finer points of vampiric society.

The fledgling jolts, like they remembered something important they had to share.

"Oh yeah, and didn't he, like, cause the Great Depression or something?" They say, voice going up at the end in a high-pitched squeak that makes Nines wince. It takes a moment for him to comprehend what they just said.

Nines frowns, and slowly turns to face the fledgling.

"The Great Depression,” he says flatly. The nod hesitantly. “As in the decade long, socioeconomic disaster; the effects of which America, and the world, still feels today. You're gonna go with that, kid?" Nines gives them a judgmental look and the fledgling wilts under his stare.

"I mean... That's what I've heard." They stare at the floor, shoulders rising up to their ears. 

Nines huffs out a chuckle, leaning against the bar and staring up at the ceiling. The mental image of LaCroix scampering about and somehow orchestrating Black Tuesday, the Wall Street Crash, bank runs, global overinvestment in power farming, economic inflation, _and_ mass production of machinery is too fucking funny to ignore.

Nines raises a brow as he thinks to himself. It's a slow evening, he's bored. It's not like LaCroix could be hurt by a couple rumours up in his Ivory Tower. Maybe it was time to ruffle some feathers the Camarilla way. 

"You know what? Sure," Nines starts, turning back to look at the fledgling, who jumps. "Hey everyone!" Nines calls out. "LaCroix caused the Great Depression."

" _I fucking knew it!_ " He hears Damsel yells from upstairs. 

“You got any proof there, Nines?” A voice calls out from the crowd.

Nines shrugs. “Yeah, the guy told me himself in that weird little English accent of his.”

Nines scrunches up his face as he puts on his best impression of LaCroix. “‘Good evening, Mr Rodriguez. I must let you know that I, Prince Sebastian LaCroix, caused the Great Depression’.”

“Can’t deny evidence like that,” Skelter says, nodding solemnly.

Nines feels himself smile, as laughter murmurs around the Last Round. He’s finally found something to pass the time with. Good thing he'd watched a couple documentaries on the history channel last night, after Damsel kicked him out of the Last Round and told him to stop sulking. 

"Y'know, LaCroix's been around for a while. He's been busy, too."

__

"LaCroix actually caused both the Bay of Pigs Invasion, and the Kennedy Assassination."

"Did he Dominate Lee Harvey Oswald or something?"

"No he just punched Kennedy really hard. Oswald is a coverup invented by the Camarilla to hide the fact that they punched JFK to death."

"It's really quite disgusting the lengths they go to, to hide their crimes."

__

"LaCroix caused the potato famine in Ireland."

"The English do that sometimes."

"He's French."

"Yeah but he acts like an Englishman too often for me to think otherwise."

__

At some point, Damsel had stomped downstairs and plopped herself on the chair Skelter kicked out for her. The two would egg Nines on, calling out from the audience with all the zeal of someone much more shitfaced than they could get.

__

"Have any of you ever seen LaCroix and John Wilkes Booth in the same room? No? Ever thought _why_ you haven't?"

"Oh my god..."

__

"Ever heard of the Plant Patent Act? The thing that lets corporations copyright seeds? Hand written by LaCroix."

"Eh, not your best one, Nines."

"Damsel I don't even think you've ever been on a farm, hush."

"Don't start ranting about farmer's rights again, dude, we're making fun of LaCroix, remember?"

__

Jack would sometimes shout out his own little LaCroix Conspiracy. Like how he caused the Battle of the Alamo, and funded Christopher Columbus’ discovery of the Americas. Those were received well by the growing crowd.

__

“LaCroix assassinated the Romanovs to usher in the era of Communist Russia.”

“Wait, didn’t you say he was in America to cause the Spanish Flu at that time?”

“He multitasked.”

__

"Remember Pompeii and the explosion of Mount Vesuvius? Another Cammie coverup."

"God _dammit_."

"It was all LaCroix."

"He just did that to all those innocents..." 

__

There was no doubt that these were all fake, but every Anarch had figured out to treat it like it was real. Either by Nines’ overly serious, overly confident tone, or how Skelter and Damsel immediately ran with everything the Brujah said.

__ 

“The Hindenburg Disaster? The Titanic sinking? The Dyatlov Pass incident? Guess fucking what.”

“LaCroix’s done it again…”

“Will he ever be stopped?”

__

“LaCroix actually caused the Black Plague, fleas don’t exist.”

“I thought Strauss did that.”

“That’s what the Camarilla want you to think.”

__

According to Nines, LaCroix was also responsible for the partition of both India and Ireland, was Typhoid Mary, assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and singlehandedly caused the fall of the Qing Dynasty.

But eventually the night began to lighten, and torpor drew near. The bar patrons had dispersed, some giving Nines claps on the back as they left. Eventually he too had to leave. He’d walked home, chuckling to himself and thinking of more historical events to half heartedly blame on LaCroix.

Not like the guy was going to hear about it or anything.

__

The next evening had been no different than the previous one, with no city-levelling threats or dozens of missed calls for Nines to have to deal with.

So with a huff, he makes his way from his haven to the Last Round. But when he opens the door, Nines finds it packed.

"There you fucking are!" Damsel calls, elbowing the sea of people apart as she walks up to Nines. "Thought you'd never show up."

"The hell are all these people doing here. Got some event on?"

"Word may have gotten out about the conspiracy theories you mentioned last night. I _may_ have told people you'd have a couple ready for tonight, and they _may_ have told their friends to come with them to check it out."

Nines sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. 

"Damsel..."

"Oh c'mon dude, it was hilarious,” she objects. “And you were enjoying yourself. LA's been boring recently, may as well make our own fun."

Nines makes a sound in the back of his throat. 

"You’ve got a point.”

Damsel smiles and gives him a thumbs up, wrangling the crowd to quiet down as Nines returns to the spot he stood at last night.

He smiles, getting ready to pass the time once more. Nines had run out of recent historical events, so it was time to break out the prehistoric. The Occupants of the Last Round lean in closely as he begins to speak.

"Remember when Pangaea was a thing? Well..."

__

On the one-hundredth floor of a building not too far from the dive bar, a phone rings. The Prince picks it up and holds it to his ear.

“Yes, what?”

A voice can be heard on the other side of the receiver. Whatever they say makes LaCroix jolts. He frowns.

"They said _what_ about me?"

**Author's Note:**

> lacroix also invented taxes, was actually thomas edison, and conducted the Salem witch trials :/ cancelled
> 
> And if you want - hmu on tumblr - http://iravaid.tumblr.com


End file.
